So I left off yesterday with the dreaded question that seems to always be asked about 2 seconds after you've said your "I do's."
When are you going to have kids?!?
For those that asked, we said that we wanted children, but that we were in no hurry.
We had talked about it, of course, as most couples do before they get married. We knew that we wanted kids and we knew that we would have kids, but at that point, I don't think we had really mapped it out per-say. To be perfectly honest, I'm one of those people that even though I'm pretty open, talking about our sex life and getting pregnant just wasn't something that jived well with me. I wanted it to be private-- whatever decision we made and everything that came along with it. This has always been huge for me.
I had been on birth control for years, but when MJ took the job overseas, we discussed forgoing the monthly expenditure since there was virtually no need for it. We agreed that seeing as we would be married, if I did get pregnant, it would not be the end of the world (not that prior to marriage it would have been either). We adopted the attitude of, if it happens, it happens-- we're not preventing it, but we're not trying for it either. We were both happy with that decision. And when people asked that dreaded question, we would say, not right now, but eventually.
Fast forward several months and a few pregnant friends, and I found myself wanting a baby more and more. MJ and I discussed it again and decided that we would start trying to get pregnant. With MJ's rotations, he was typically home for 35 days. Well, for all of you girls, you know that means, one chance or if we're really lucky, two. Funny thing is, in the beginning, I didn't think I needed any luck. I just assumed it would happen. I mean, isn't that how it works?
I wasn't really discouraged at first and my doctor said I was healthy and should have no issues. I bought books on fertility and how to improve your chances. I also started buying ovulation kits and began testing to see if that would increase our chances. I talked to pregnant friends and got all kinds of "tricks" and ideas for things that would work. Sadly, it wasn't happening. And sadly, each time I heard of someone else getting pregnant or having a baby, I would feel myself get upset. It felt like everywhere I went people would inquire as to when MJ and I were going to have kids and sometimes I just wanted to scream "we're trying dammit!!!!!" I never said it and never would, but you better believe it crossed my mind. This is where that privacy thing comes in because I wanted nothing more than to keep our struggle with getting pregnant private. Guaranteed, the first time someone asks you when you're going to have kids and you tell them you're having trouble getting pregnant, they are going to shut up. But to me, that's the last thing I wanted to tell people. Telling people meant people feeling sorry for me or for us and it meant that our issues were, in fact, real issues. It's so much easier when everyone just thinks you aren't ready.
As if friend and stranger pressure isn't enough, family pressure is the worst. Don't get me wrong, my family has been amazing, but like most parents, they want grandchildren and like most brothers and sisters, they want nieces and nephews. My sister has two kids and isn't planning on anymore. Her kids surely aren't getting younger. I want my parents to be able to dote on my children like they do my sister's and I want my children to grow up with their cousins.
So here we are, 2 years into our marriage and about a year and a half into trying to get pregnant. Still no pregnancy and still no baby, but according to the doctor, still healthy and still perfectly able to conceive... so what's the next step?
We had talked about it, of course, as most couples do before they get married. We knew that we wanted kids and we knew that we would have kids, but at that point, I don't think we had really mapped it out per-say. To be perfectly honest, I'm one of those people that even though I'm pretty open, talking about our sex life and getting pregnant just wasn't something that jived well with me. I wanted it to be private-- whatever decision we made and everything that came along with it. This has always been huge for me.
I had been on birth control for years, but when MJ took the job overseas, we discussed forgoing the monthly expenditure since there was virtually no need for it. We agreed that seeing as we would be married, if I did get pregnant, it would not be the end of the world (not that prior to marriage it would have been either). We adopted the attitude of, if it happens, it happens-- we're not preventing it, but we're not trying for it either. We were both happy with that decision. And when people asked that dreaded question, we would say, not right now, but eventually.
Fast forward several months and a few pregnant friends, and I found myself wanting a baby more and more. MJ and I discussed it again and decided that we would start trying to get pregnant. With MJ's rotations, he was typically home for 35 days. Well, for all of you girls, you know that means, one chance or if we're really lucky, two. Funny thing is, in the beginning, I didn't think I needed any luck. I just assumed it would happen. I mean, isn't that how it works?
I wasn't really discouraged at first and my doctor said I was healthy and should have no issues. I bought books on fertility and how to improve your chances. I also started buying ovulation kits and began testing to see if that would increase our chances. I talked to pregnant friends and got all kinds of "tricks" and ideas for things that would work. Sadly, it wasn't happening. And sadly, each time I heard of someone else getting pregnant or having a baby, I would feel myself get upset. It felt like everywhere I went people would inquire as to when MJ and I were going to have kids and sometimes I just wanted to scream "we're trying dammit!!!!!" I never said it and never would, but you better believe it crossed my mind. This is where that privacy thing comes in because I wanted nothing more than to keep our struggle with getting pregnant private. Guaranteed, the first time someone asks you when you're going to have kids and you tell them you're having trouble getting pregnant, they are going to shut up. But to me, that's the last thing I wanted to tell people. Telling people meant people feeling sorry for me or for us and it meant that our issues were, in fact, real issues. It's so much easier when everyone just thinks you aren't ready.
As if friend and stranger pressure isn't enough, family pressure is the worst. Don't get me wrong, my family has been amazing, but like most parents, they want grandchildren and like most brothers and sisters, they want nieces and nephews. My sister has two kids and isn't planning on anymore. Her kids surely aren't getting younger. I want my parents to be able to dote on my children like they do my sister's and I want my children to grow up with their cousins.
So here we are, 2 years into our marriage and about a year and a half into trying to get pregnant. Still no pregnancy and still no baby, but according to the doctor, still healthy and still perfectly able to conceive... so what's the next step?
4 fabulous comments:
Oh my. I have no good advice for you as I'm not currently using my babymaker, but my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine holding all that hurt in and trying to keep it together even though you're struggling. No good advice, but I'm sending good vibes your way...
Girl, I am so sorry. Although we truly aren't trying, it's stories like this that make me want to put people in their place every single time I get asked that same question. I'll say prayers for you. I know you'll be a fabulous mom, Cat. Just amazing. :)
Oh honey, my heart goes out to you guys. Believe it or not, you aren't the first gorgeous, healthy and young couple that I've heard about this happening to. I'll say lots of prayers for you guys and for Baby J! :) xoxo. Miss you bunches.
Praying for you, girl. It's a long hard road and something that more people than we'll ever know deal with. You're strong and you'll prevail in the plan God has for you. Doesn't make it any easier though. I'm here for you.
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