Last year I basically hit a point where the thought of having a baby consumed me. It took everything in me not to think about it- every time I passed the baby section of a store... every time I saw a baby... every time someone even mentioned a baby... it entered my mind. I feel like that's pretty normal though- anytime you really want something, you always notice it, right? I mean, after all, when I decided I wanted to buy a Toyota Highlander, I saw them everywhere... everyone had one- they had what I wanted!
Babies and cars- totally relatable, right?
All joking aside, after awhile, the constant thoughts of everyone having what I wanted became almost destructive- no, I take that back, they were destructive. And I didn't realize it until it was too late. I let it get the best of me and a lot of things suffered because of it. I'm not going to go into specifics, but I will say that my marriage took the brunt of it. To be perfectly honest, I don't even know why. There was no rush for me to get pregnant and there still isn't- I'm only 28! So why did I let it get to that point?
Unfortunately, I don't have an answer, but I do know that I've worked really hard on pushing through it. I think when things don't go as you always thought they would, you begin to second guess if what is in front of you is really meant to be. I actually took it to an extreme and began questioning everything around me. I questioned my job, my family, my friends, every single thing- even my marriage.
One day, while at the grocery store, I passed the card aisle. I'm not even sure what made me turn seeing as I had no reason to buy a card, but I happened to stop at the stand with inspirational cards. I came across one with a quote by Winston Churchill- it said, "if you're going through hell, keep going." As simple as that may seem, it was exactly what I needed to read at that moment. I was quickly letting my world crumble around me instead of pushing through it. Why would I give up? Why would I let something like this ruin everything around me?
So you're probably reading this like okay where's the ending? Well, I'm not pregnant, but I have found happiness. A different kind of happiness. Yes, I still want a baby, but I'm happy with where I am in my life. I'm happy to have such a loving and supportive family and husband.
I dove head first into fitness and improving my body (both physically and mentally) and I feel like a different person. It may sound silly to some, but I had to get my life back. I had to start focusing on what I have instead of what I don't have. I have a renewed sense of confidence and I wouldn't change it for anything. I needed this.
I started a new job last month that will provide me with a ton of opportunities. I'm getting my personal training certification in order to put my new passion to work. And even though, I still feel a little twinge of jealousy when a friend announces they are expecting, I can say that I feel a lot more happiness and joy for that person that I ever did before. I've realized that I have to be thankful to have them in my life and that they are willing to share such an incredible gift with me!
I am blessed-- baby or no baby!
For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - Real Life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination!
Souza
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