Goodbye 2011

I've sat down quite a few times to write this and wasn't able to.  Seeing that today is the last day of 2011, there's probably no better time.  I am wholeheartedly saying goodbye to 2011 and standing with {wide} open arms saying hello to 2012.  I know that isn't probably what I should be doing, but 2011 has proven to be a year of great struggles and in just the last month alone, I have experienced a pain that I never thought I could feel.

The beginning of 2011 was fairly uneventful as MJ was just ending his rotation home. We rang in the new year with my best friend, Ashley, and her fiance, Matt, in Boston and it was absolutely fabulous!  We thoroughly enjoyed our time there and these two are so much fun to hang out with.  Love them!

  

I ended up spending the next couple of months doing a lot with my family and just relishing in the fact that I am finally close enough to just stop by my sister's place or head into Maryland to spend the day with my cousins and aunts and uncles.

MJ came home again in April and we went to Florida with Ashley and Matt.  We spent Easter in Tampa with MJ's family and then headed to Anna Maria Island for a week of sun and fun.  

We then headed to Vegas to celebrate MJ's 29th birthday in May.  It was another great trip that went by way to quick.

MJ's rotation at home went by quickly even though he was home for longer than usual.  As you may recall, MJ and I went through a bit of a rough patch, if you will, and during his time home, there was a lot of tension between us.  While I love every minute he is home, I admit that I often take it for granted and this was one of those times that after he left, I struggled a lot.  I was really conflicted because I didn't know what I wanted anymore-- my job was super stressful, home was even more stressful and I was lost.  Shortly after MJ returned to Iraq is when I made the conscious decision to change my outlook  and I threw myself head first into what I knew I had control over-- myself and my actions.

I began working with an experienced trainer and set out with the goal to get in the best shape possible.

May 2011

August 2011

In September, I started a new job in a totally different line of work.  While I had gotten some relief from the stress in my old job after being moved to a different team of attorneys, I, with some trepidation, decided to take a position with the government.  I had to accept a pay cut and learn something completely different, but I knew that in the long run, it was good move for me.  Thankfully, I still believe this was a good decision for me and I do love my job.  I learn something new every day!

My cousin got married in October and MJ came home in November.

My cousin Lyndsy & her husband Drew

MJ and I opted to not take any crazy vacations and just stay home.  We made a quick trip to Long Island to see MJ's Grandma and Grandpa as well as his Aunt, Uncle and Mom.

 Grandpa Walter, Colleen (MJs Mom), & MJ

MJ & his Uncle Jimmy

We hosted Thanksgiving again this year and really enjoyed having our family here.

On December 3, MJ and I found out that we were expecting!  We don't know how it happened... well we know how it happened, but we weren't planning on it.  We were ecstatic!  Later that week, I started experiencing some cramping and spotting (I apologize if this is TMI).  I didn't think too much of it considering everything I had read said it happens often and everyone is different.  On Friday, December 9, while out with MJ, I started to feel incredibly nauseous and had a terrible pain on my right side.  I tried to dismiss it, but while eating dinner I told MJ I did not feel well and he needed to get me home.  I originally thought I had just eaten something bad because the moment I got home, I was throwing up.  Unfortunately, I started bleeding a bit more so first thing Monday morning, I called the doctor's office to speak to the nurse.  I wasn't scheduled for my first ultrasound until the following week and MJ was scheduled to depart for Dubai that night so I knew I had to find out what was going on.  They squeezed me in for an emergency appointment and much to our dismay, the ultrasound showed nothing in my uterus and the doctor was not confident that it was a viable pregnancy based on my symptoms.  We prayed and prayed that we were off on the dates and the doctor said we could do a beta HcG in order to see where we were.  While my first set of numbers were great, my second set did not rise like it should and when I returned for a second ultrasound, there was still nothing.  The doctor diagnosed it as a missed abortion:(  He immediately told me I needed to come in for a D&C to get everything taken care of.  I couldn't do anything, but cry.  

I quickly learned that for doctors and nurses, miscarriage is normal.  For me and MJ, though, it was devastating.  I had waited 2 years to get pregnant and when I finally did, I lost the baby.  The doc asked that I have pre-op blood work done and I requested that they complete another beta HcG because I refused to have this surgery if I didn't need it.  Again, much to my dismay, my numbers did not go down, they actually went up and I was scheduled for surgery the next day.  On December 22, just three days before Christmas, I had the D&C.  

While I wish I could say that it was over after that, it wasn't.  The pathology came back the next day and there was no evidence of a pregnancy so I was rushed to the hospital to be given a dose of a chemotherapy drug called Methotrexate.  It was now being diagnosed as an ectopic pregnancy.  I had a million and one questions and was quite angry that I had to go through the surgery only for the doctor to say that it wasn't in my uterus despite the ultrasound and HcG numbers showing that same thing.  I cried, my husband cried, my sister cried, my mom cried... we were a bunch of basket-cases to say the least.  

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that it was caught before it had a chance to rupture as that is life-threatening, but I can't help but mourn the loss of this baby.  My first baby.  Maybe that sounds crazy to some, but I remember everything MJ and I felt on the day we found out and knowing that our dream came crashing down just a few short days before Christmas is upsetting.  Merry Christmas to us:(  

I had my follow-up appointment yesterday and I am happy to say that things are going my way now.  My numbers have dropped exponentially and my doctor says everything looks great.  The Methotrexate did what it was supposed to do, I didn't require a second dose (which some people do), and he said that MJ and I can try again when he gets home.  

I am so ready for the year to end.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new year-  Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!